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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23672188">too heavy to hold</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Brother/Brother Incest, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Masturbation, Rape Fantasy, Rape/Non-con Elements, Twincest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:40:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,902</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23672188</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dwelling on his brother leads Haruka's mind to some dark places.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nijo Kanata/Nijo Haruka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>too heavy to hold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Soooo I wanted to write a companion piece about Haruka to go along with the Kanata fic I wrote before, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22889134">got it bad for you.</a> Somehow I think this one ended up even more twisted than that one? I wanna try writing some stuff for the anime later so this might be it for the twins for now! But let me know if you like it?</p><p>!!WARNING!! This fic features Haruka jerking off to unwelcome thoughts of (imagined) nonconsensual sex with Kanata. If youre not okay with this, please dont read any further.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Disgusting.</p><p>Haruka could still feel Kanata's touch against his skin, days later. He hated the way Kanata could effortlessly sneak up on him, worming his way beside him before Haruka could even realize he was there. Like they were two of a kind. Haruka had thought that, once, before he found out how horrible and twisted his brother had become.</p><p>How idiotic had he been years ago, thinking it was good that Kanata had grown better at making friends? He thought they could share their friends, but they'd all preferred Kanata in the end, and scorned him. He thought they could share their parents' love, but Kanata took that too.</p><p>Haruka had hated himself for feeling jealous of his own twin, especially when his little brother adored him so. He could still hear the way Kanata used to say it, his arms winding around him, warm and comforting enough to chip away at the bitterness in Haruka's heart. "Even if everyone else in the world ignores you, I'll always love Big Bro the most." He used to take solace in those words. What a joke. Soon enough, he'd discovered that Kanata was behind his loneliness and isolation, purposefully drawing others away with a kind, fake smile, telling them little lies about him so they'd want to avoid him.</p><p>"I love you, Big Bro. Even if the whole world turns its back on you, I'll never leave you alone." Now it sounded like a poisonous hex, ringing in his head. Rather than the world turning its back on him, Haruka had withdrawn from it, blocking it out, content to be ignored, but what Kanata told him was an unavoidable truth. He <em>was</em> always there, dragging Haruka back down as soon as he'd pushed away his pain.</p><p>He hated it when Kanata touched him. The way it made him feel like no other, his body turning hypersensitive and tender. With a simple word, Kanata could get Haruka's temper flaring, his emotions bubbling to the surface instead of staying clamped down and cold the way he wanted. Kanata got through to him like no one else could. It stung. It lingered.</p><p>He knew the way Kanata loved him wasn't normal, for a long time now. The trace of his lips, the imprint of his fingers when he first grabbed his big brother by the shoulders and kissed him hard. So many times after where Kanata had done similar things. Each night that Kanata snuck into his room to watch him sleep, to touch him and himself like a perverted freak.</p><p>Haruka wished Kanata would leave him alone already. Or at the very least, he wished that he could get used to it. He wished to be fully resigned instead of dreading and waiting. Deadened to it, rather than coming alive whenever Kanata approached him, the hair on the back of his neck standing straight up, numbness a distant dream.</p><p>It felt...</p><p>Intense, in a way he didn't want to fully describe. Though Haruka couldn't go as far to call bloodletting pleasurable, he couldn't deny there was <em>something</em> there. All the emotions he'd grown distant from during his disillusionment and despair surged back, and sometimes it was... nice. Sometimes, he liked feeling that way.</p><p>It was a cruel joke that his little brother was the only thing that could bring him there.</p><p>Haruka closed his eyes in the shower, hoping to settle himself, but he could still see Kanata's grinning face. Playful, like he was only teasing Haruka, despite all he'd done. Had he made that face as he slipped his fingers into Haruka's clothes and kissed his throat, jerking himself to it?</p><p>Disgusting.</p><p>Though Kanata had stopped there, Haruka could too easily imagine him going further next time. Shamelessly cooing, "I love you, Big Bro," as he did whatever he wanted to his sleeping form. First his fingers pressing inside him - Haruka would be able to feel that, wouldn't he? But considering how much Kanata'd gotten away with already, Haruka wasn't so certain. Sooner or later, Kanata wouldn't be able to resist going the whole way.</p><p>Haruka shuddered, scrubbing harder at his skin, trying to blank out his mind. Instead, it was filled with an avalanche of thoughts that horrified and roused him at once. His heart was beating faster as the image of Kanata solidified, on top of him, holding him down. They were close in height and weight, but Haruka had been surprised more than once by Kanata's strength. He wasn't exactly weak either, but he didn't train his body as much. His only advantage was his ferocity, scratching at Kanata's chest and arms, shouting for him to let go. Knowing Kanata, it would probably be enough to create an opening, so he could escape. Haruka's mind refused to be reassured by that likelihood, asking- what if it wasn't? What if Kanata wouldn't let him go? What if Kanata pinned him to his bed, face down, stripping off his pants and -</p><p>A gasp. Disgusting. Haruka should have cursed Kanata for making him feel this way, but he didn't have any loathing left over for his twin, too disgusted with himself for continuing to dwell on the scenario that flashed through his mind in gruesome detail.</p><p>Kanata would be gentle, if he asked. But Haruka would never ask it of him. Even if Kanata pushed himself inside without any preparation, forcing him open and fucking him as hard and carelessly as he wanted, Haruka would bite his lips and bear it. Would bear that sick-sweet voice, honeyed with stolen pleasure, against his shoulder. "I love you so much, Big Bro. So, so much." His fingers grasping at Haruka's body, trying to make him feel. Succeeding at it, despite every part of Haruka that wished he wouldn't.</p><p>"Shit..." Haruka breathed, the flush on his skin hotter than the steaming spray of the shower. Blood was rushing through him, to shameful, awful places. He knew he should just twist the temperature nozzle and embrace the shock of ice water to forcefully snap him out of this headspace. Instead, Haruka's hand slipped down his stomach and tentatively gripped his flagging erection.</p><p>"Fuck you," he growled to no one. To Kanata for making him like this and himself for accepting it. He gave in to his twisted imagination, stroking himself roughly. It was as if he could feel Kanata doing it instead, clutching at him both as a lifeline and a possession he didn't want to let go. The movement of Kanata's body began to quicken, his voice lifting an excited laugh as Haruka's body responded to his touch. He was hard in Kanata's fingers, his breath was growing labored. Kanata would love it so much he couldn't take it for long.</p><p>Absolutely crazy for him, needy, wanton, Kanata would thrust into him harder, whimpering "Big Bro" and "Haruka" over and over again. There was a deep ache inside Haruka at the thought, the pit of his stomach flipping as he thought about what would happen next. Would he be able to feel it, he wondered perversely, if Kanata came inside him? Feel his cock seizing up and painting his insides white? Or would he only realize it when Kanata gasped and moaned, pulled out of his hole, and his jizz started to drip out? Soap was running down Haruka's thighs, slick and wet. He pressed his legs together, focusing on the unpleasant sensation.</p><p>It wouldn't be enough to merely brutalize him from within for Kanata, not when Haruka's cock was still erect. He'd want more. He'd want everything at once. "Sorry for getting so rough, Big Bro," he'd laugh, like what he'd finished was a bout of playful wrestling and not rape. "It felt really good inside you... I couldn't help myself. Don't worry, you'll see what I mean in a little bit."</p><p>Kanata would get on top of him again, only the other way, straddling his hips. Somehow it seemed more horrible than before, because there wouldn't be any pain as Kanata spat onto his palm and spread it over Haruka's cock. Just humiliation and dread and... anticipation. With as much intensity as before, Kanata would force himself onto his cock, engulfing it to the base before Haruka could raise up a shout in objection. The worst part was how good it felt, Kanata riding him and looking so damn giddy over it when Haruka writhed in honest-to-god <em>pleasure</em>.</p><p>Haruka pressed his head against the cool tile in the bathroom, breathing hard, pumping his cock in time to the image of it. Thrusting his hips into his palm, involuntarily, the way his hips would snap upward Kanata's heat. Yet amid the continued betrayal of his body, his depths of his mind whispered something else, more tempting: What if he was the one turning the tables, what if he could make Kanata feel subjugated by his presence?</p><p>All the hatred directed itself toward his younger brother with that thought, and suddenly, he was the one over top of Kanata. His hand was tight around Kanata's throat, fucking him so roughly that he was no longer making that stupid grin. His little brother's facial expression was different now, brows quirked, eyes glistening with tears, teeth clenched in pain. Looking up at him in surprise and uncertainty, eyes brightening with... Fear.</p><p>With a shiver of pleasure, Haruka could feel himself making a strange expression. <em>He</em> was the one grinning instead. The shiver slipped further down spine and coiled in his groin so suddenly that Haruka groaned aloud. He stifled himself with his free hand, but he barely had to stroke himself before there was white fire burning away his mental images. His climax burst free from his trembling body, come splattering against the wall.</p><p>Haruka rested there, against the shower wall for a long moment before pulling back. He quickly rinsed off the traces of his release off the tile, and any sweat off himself before climbing out of the shower, mind blank. The thoughts came creeping back in before long, as he toweled himself off and looked at the mirror. With his hair wet and brushed out of his face, he looked more like this brother than ever.</p><p>Haruka hurried to dry it with a towel, but then he was just was left looking at himself - someone he wanted to see even less than Kanata for once.</p><p>"What the hell was that all about?" he asked the reflection, like it could give him an answer. Or moreso, an answer he wanted. It wasn't like he didn't think about that sort of thing sometimes - he couldn't help it when Kanata did what he did, and provoked him constantly, but that was the first time the thoughts had morphed into that kind of....</p><p><em>Fantasy</em>. The word tasted so bitter on Haruka's tongue that he wanted to puke. The anxieties about what Kanata wanted to do with him were inevitable, the intrusive thoughts while he was jerking off were weird, but he could accept them as an unwilling consequence. But losing himself in a full blown sexual fantasy about it, so deeply that he couldn't tear himself away in the moment...?</p><p>Haruka turned away from the mirror with a mutter. "What a piece of work." No wonder the world had discarded him so easily. He was fucked up. More fucked up than Kanata, and he couldn't hide it half as well.</p>
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